Tag Archives: Mummy groups

“Starter for ten..” Hide, quick hide.

10 Jan

“was hoping some of you might be available for a drink some evening soon. As a starter for ten how about either Thurs 16th or Tuesday 22nd?

Ps  I’m using a fairly old version of this circ list so please add anyone back in that’s dropped off – omissions are not intentional.”
So, this email popped into my inbox today (obviously in its entirety….I’ve chopped bits off for confidentiality reasons). Now, I don’t know about you, but in my mind anyone who uses the phrase “starter for ten ” in a social email that’s intended to entice folks out for a drink or two is not going to be a laugh a minute. I’ll be honest, when people use that phrase in a boardroom my immediate thought is “wanker”The fact that the end of the email is worded to sound like some sort of disclaimer also sticks in my craw. This is pretty much, in a nutshell, a great example of my issue with Mummy groups. Sometimes,the only thing you have in common with the women you’re having drinks with is the fact you have all given birth. I mean really? You wouldn’t get a bunch of men meeting up because they’ve all had a vasectomy would you?
I’m currently hiding from my Mummy group and have been for the past two months…I joined this “second time Mums group” in a bid to find a like minded individuals to moan to. Having a lively terrorist of a toddler and a newborn is no mean feat I tell thee. I thought I’d be sitting around hitting the booze hard and getting some welcome respite from acting as barrier to prevent aforementioned toddler from bumping off new baby. This was sadly not to be. What happened was, I arrived, sat my arse down and about twenty minutes later ended up sending an emergency SOS text to the  husband. This was his cue to invent some bullshit emergency, call and come and get me. Membership to Mummy group cancelled.
Reasons for this as follows: you hope for a bit of respite from the endless rounds of cleaning up shit, baby feeding and chat about all things baby. Um, nup, no respite. You find yourself listening to talk of shitting and feeding. There is also always, without fail, one über Mother present. This woman (and I guarantee you there will be one) thinks she is THE expert in child rearing. This expertise will cover all bases including shitting, feeding, breast manipulation,  perineum massage (look it up ) and the fact that her toddler can already speak three languages, explain the ins and outs of the fiscal cliff and cook a three course meal on its own.
Wouldn’t life be much simpler if people were honest?When did child rearing become so competitive?? Here’s some of the bollocks I’ve heard
(I should probably mention at this point that I did a two year stint of one of london a busiest maternity units and I have tales to tell..oh yes I do…just you wait ).
 “My son just LOVES his new baby brother”. Bollocks does he,and the minute your back’s turned he’s going to poke his eyes out. Or at least that’s what happens in my house….
“My child was potty trained by twelve months”. Um, is that why they did a dirty great shit in the middle of the rug last night? Also, you’re using the fact that your  kid can shit in a plastic bowl as a brag? I hate to break it to you competitive parents, but being able to drop a shit in a plastic bowl is not an indicator for future life achievements.There’s a phrase that’s emerged in the media recently : “helicopter parenting”.Wikipedia describes it as “a colloquial term for a parent who places extremely close attention to their childs or childrens experiences or problems” Let it go folks, lets go back to the days of having a laugh with your mates,enjoying your kids and not worrying about whether your kid can speak japanese and mine can’t. Actually come to think of it, my kids repertoire consists of ” mouse” “more” car” “dog” and “shit” Oops think the last one is probably my fault…….
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